The Desk.

I know this may surprise you loyal readers, but I am, at heart, an optimist. And that is the reason I am such a cynic. A man is the most advanced and capable organism in the world. I take pride in being able to contemplate the meaning of the universe because I know it is up to my race alone to do such things. But what do people do? They throw it all away for a pew and a beer. People can be easily influenced because they can't think for themselves. They can slip quietly through life, relying on everyone else to pick up the slack. But soon everyone does it and the whole world is slack leaving just the last real individuals to pick it up, push it around and bitch-slap it. They're all corrupt. Confusion, ulterior motives, and trickery leave no room for anything to get accomplished.

A single man with a single purpose is the rarest and most beautiful thing in existence. It is beautiful because it is untainted by society. When multiple people get together, one of several things will happen: if they disagree in their essential ideology (on any issue, political, religious, etc.), they will either brawl, or try to comprimise. Both of these behaviors weaken the individuals, their beliefs, and the group as a whole. If they agree in their ideology, they will grow more extreme in it, strengthening their beliefs, but weakening their ability to function in a practical way.

Therefore, it is the presence of other people which destroys us. Society is the corrupting force which will ultimately bring about our destruction. A man is intelligent, he can learn and he can use his knowledge, but people are ignorant, stubborn, and lazy. In a man, there is no good or evil, only logic (logic and physiological motivation). In people, logic turns to belief, and belief ultimately turns to evil. Similarly, their physiological motivation turns to lust, gluttony, and other such evilry.

Why this recent spurt of good humor towards my fellow man, in favor of my usual bitterness? Well, I did 20 on the AT at Grayson Highlands this weekend.

In this post, I promise not to talk about religion, mental illness, or use the word democrat as a derogatory term.

All my problems in life stem from the fact that people like. I don't know why, but people generally seem to take kindly to me, in spite of myself, and this causes great disaster.

I have never received genuine criticism. People are too nice to me to let me know when I suck, and where I need improvement. Because of this, I jump headlong into situations where I have to be on top of my game, only to find out that I have no game. Similarly, I have never received, or do not know when I received, a genuine complement. Because everybody likes me, I can never tell who likes me, if you catch my meaning so. I've gotten myself into some real hot water, thinking something was one thing and it turned out to be another thing, mostly cause I can't tell the difference. Another problem is that because everybody likes me, I have no friends. I go around at lunch or any other time, and I can have a nice pleasant, friendly conversation with just about anybody in there, even people I don't know because people like me. The trouble is that no one there is actually my good friend. I have the exact same feelings about somebody I just met as I do about my oldest, closest friend. Of course part of the problem is that I've learned not to feel or express emotion, which prevents people from seeing me as more than a one-sided character. I know them all, they all like me, but they never seem to want to do anything about it. The one group goes and does things all the time together, but I don't ever get an invitation, even though I go talk to them everyday. They assume that my primary group of friends is one of the other groups I go talk to, with whom I have a similar relationship as with the one group. Clearly the problem is that everyone likes me when I'm around, I'm amusing and entertaining, but I am no more than that. It's good to have me around, but no one wants the trouble of making me go out of my way to make an appearance at a get-together.

People didn't use to like me. There was a time when there were very few people on my side. Funny, it's those same few people I can count on now. It's rare that I have a serious conversation in real life, it's all just comic relief. That's why this thing is here, actually. But anyway, at least when people didn't all like me, I had something to work with (how do y'all think I got so bitter?). Now I'm just that guy who does the voices. I'm not a person to these people, I'm a lovable character(s) but not a person. Everyone likes me, but nobody cares.

Here are some recent conversations of mine. I think they accurately sum up my personality:


W: The nicknames work because I don't know their actual names. And because I am the nickname master, master of nicknames
S: But why Gumdrop, and Icepick?
W: Just look at them. Gumdrop, well, he has the mannerisms of a gumdrop. That is to say, if a gumdrop were a person, it would act like him. And Icepick just looks like a guy you would call Icepick. I tell ya, that was stroke of genius, that day.


Everybody: What does your real voice sound like?
W: Like this (different every time)
Everybody: Can you please just talk in your normal voice?
W: Normal for me or normal for a normal person?


U: ...I don't get it.
W: That's because you're assuming there's something to get.


B: I bet she thinks you're pretty crazy after that.
W: Yea, normally that one creeps people out, but she already knew I was crazy going in, she just didn't know the particular brand of crazy in which I deal.


W: Ok, dude, what if a person was glazed.....
B: Why you gotta say that when I'm drinking my milk?


C: How can you be militantly conservative and an embittered atheist at the same time?
W: Turns out I'm so conservative I'm liberal. I went so far right that I just swung all the way back around.

She thinks I'm afraid of It. That's how she said it anyway. But if fear were in my heart, I would not voluntarily subject myself to the perpetual contemplation of the matter. I propose that it is fear which keeps men in their place, not drives them from it. Fear makes men subordinate; the powers that be use it to take advantage of men. They go and they worship It and they tell themselves they're supposed to believe, but really it's the fear of It that keeps them there, not faith. I know this because I used to be one. When I started to realize the Truth, I was afraid. Afraid that something or someone would strike me down for my thoughts. That was until I saw that the Light and the Power and everything else about It was not a sovereign being of itself, but it was in fact within me. (note the earlier post where I explain how I'm God) I agree that some people run away from It because they cannot accept the Truth, and we fear that which we don't understand. But I fully understand It, and that is why I left. I did not tuck tail and run, but rather I stare It in the eye and tell it to fuck off. I'm an atheist because I go to church, not in spite of it. And the more I go to church and the more I study the Bible and the more evangelism I witness, the more secure I become in my faith.

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::	Jimmy Buffett
Are you female or male::	Son of a Son of a Sailor
Describe yourself::	Cultural Infidel
How do some people feel about you::	Vampires, Mummies, and the Holy Ghost
How do you feel about yourself::	False Echoes
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::	Jamaica Mistaica
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::	Who's the Blonde Stranger?
Describe where you want to be::	Back to the Island
Describe what you want to be::	Jolly Mon Sing
Describe how you live::	Happily Ever After, Every Now and Then
Describe how you love::	Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
Share a few words of wisdom::	Treat Her Like a Lady

Bands // Song Titles brought to you by BZOINK!

I was watching the Christian channel today because I do that sometimes and they were talking about gay marriage. That really pissed me off. They get all up on their high horse and say that being gay is sinful and that it will destroy the institution of marriage and what have you. Now I'm as against gay marriage as the next self-respecting conservative, but I've never brought religion into it (for obvious reasons). The problem with Christians is that they can never convince anybody of anything they don't already believe. You can't convert anybody by harping on the same points all the time, and you can't convince anybody that their lifestyle is wrong. Not when you use such an ignorant stance, anyway. They appeal not to any sense of reason or logic, but rather to an abstract idea of God and sin. That will never work unless the person already believes as you do, which clearly they don't or it would have worked already.

If anything, it is religion which has promoted homosexuality by telling people to believe in themselves and follow their heart and all that crap. The reason homersexurals can't change is because it is a mental illness. It is a condition which hinders the individual's ability to function in a normal way. It's not sinful, it's just incorrect. Homosexuality is biologically, socially, and in all other ways wrong, religion need not have anything to do with it. We do not indulge the man with anti-social personality disorder because he is a danger to society. We see that he gets medical intervention before he goes and kills a bunch of people. Similarly, we should not indulge the homosexual by letting them marry each other. We should see that they receive treatment because they are in danger of destroying our society. It is a black mark on our country that we are even discussing this issue, or that they are allowed to run rampant in the entertainment industry. It is disgraceful to glorify these people in this manner. If the issue is to enter society in any way, it must be in a professional, dignified manner which exposes the dangers this condition poses to society, not with the shameful image of Will & Grace.

How are they destroying society, you ask? I would just like to bring your attention to people like Tony Munoz. Do we want our children growing up and turning out like him? Game. Set. Match.

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Our society owes its success to medical advancements. This is also the thing to which it owes its horrible, horrible failure. Despite being the proponent of Darwin that I am, I won't get into a darwinian argument here because I too owe my life to modern medicine. But seriously, if they recomend that everyone take a vitamin supplement, there is something wrong. No one should ever have to take a vitamin supplement.

But my quarrel is mainly with all the ads I see for drugs people think they need. You've got to remember that those are just like any other consumer product - the producer makes you think you need it. Take for example, zoloft. or paxil. or whatever the hell else they have out now. They work, yes, but only for people with real problems. Take a look at the list of symptoms they describe: trouble sleeping, anxiety around groups of people, agitation at others, generally stressed out, the list goes on. But of course we must remember that everyone in America has those symptoms. It's all a scam. They call it the Barnum effect, meaning that if you see something like that, you have a tendency to believe it about yourself. Next up: ADD. or ADHD as they call it now. It's a myth. Back in my day, Ritalin was called a belt. If the fool child is acting up, pop him one time and he'll learn. One last issue: weight loss. Atkins needs revision and Dr. Phil is just a jackass. It's called healthy living, aka not getting so fat in the first place.

There are way too many people taking medications like this. If this society is really so unhealthy, mentally and physically, then pills and fad diets are not the answer. The problem is that no one is willing to take responsibility for their own lives, they all want some magic pill to come save them, or some program where they don't have to do any work. They blame their problems on genetics and on their circumstances, when really they could take some personal initiative to seek better health.

My problem isn't with God, it's with the Church. I've been throwing around the term atheist rather loosely lately. I do that because it is the most effective terminology due to its dramatic denotation. I stand by everything I said about atheism, but perhaps it would be more precise to refer to myself as an existentialist. Let me put it this way: I don't not believe in God. First we must define what it means to believe in something. I believe it exists, yes, but only because man created it. God cannot and would not exist without believers. It's all in your head. Excuse me while a make a parallel between religion and mental illness. The schizophrenic mind is overloaded with dopamine, and that increases the perception of the senses, creating hallucinations. Within the mind of the patient, those hallucinations are as real if not moreso than reality. Similarly, a spiritual belief creates a situation which, to the believer, is one and the same as reality. Who's to say what's real and what isn't. What I perceive in my reality may be different from yours. But what exists in the mind is the only reality. Therefore, to believe in God makes it real, and to deny it makes it not exist. God can be ultimately powerful, if you claim that it is the motivating force of your actions. In that sense, God exists and is whatever you say it is. But I say that it is my fellow man which motivates the goings-on of the world. I suppose you could interpret that as saying that in my world, man is the God. I am man, therefore I am God.

Now for my first 'real' post:

Let's move away from the religion thing for a while and on to something a little more generally applicable - the hierarchy. It goes like this:
He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool - Shun him.
He who knows not and knows he knows not is simple - Teach him.
He who knows and knows not he knows is asleep - Awaken him.
He who knows and knows he knows is wise - Follow him.

That says it all. The simple man is willing to learn, the fool is incapable of learning. The man who is 'asleep' holds the virtue of humility, but can't do anyone any good because of it. The wise man might be a little pedandic, but he's got a right to that. Of course these lines are blurred in reality because it is often the fool who makes himself appear wise, and the sleeping man who appears to be a fool. The best of these: the simple man.

I know plenty of all of those types. Except the wise man, I don't think I'd call any of the people I know wise. The great bulk of my life is spent in the company of fools, but most of the people I choose to converse with are not. Naturally I prefer to be around those who hold similar beliefs, but people who disagree with me often provide the greater interest. A wise man can hold any point of view on a given issue, as long as he has points he can argue. And of course wisdom can come to a man in one area of expertise, while he remains simple in other matters. Once a fool is always a fool, but the ticket from simplicity to wisdom is to surround yourself with those who stimulate your cognitive arguments. The way to awaken from sleep is to have faith that your point is valid. I slept for a long time until I realized what it meant to have this faith.

I said earlier I was going to move away from the religion thing. Sorry, that's just the natural progression of my thoughts, always back to religion for some reason.

First I would like to thank those of you who recently commented on the last post (on the old desk). I'm excited to have an impact on your thoughts. I appreciate your insights because it helps us all grow in our willingness to gain new perspectives on life. I really am glad to know that people read my blog. And I really hope they come over to this one, too. Cause if they don't know I've switched then they will think I've quit. That would not be good. You'll see I've added a comment board so you can riot more effectively than the previous method of commentry. I would still like to find html codes for some non-puke colors, although I do like that burgundy at the top. So if you know any of that sort of stuff, or know someone who does, go ahead and riot about it.

Alright, looks like I've got a template for my new desk. Got my links set up and everything so y'all can navigate between here and the old one till I get everything settled in. I just might take my coat off and stay a while. In the meantime, I'd like to figure out some html codes for different non-pukelike colors. Also, I will be getting some codes for other cool features like a commenty-posting thingy, and other such html amenities. Good times. Once I get all that done, and maybe before, I'll be back to my usual embittered rantings. Otherwise, feel free to go look at the old desk.

Starting a new blog on the new blog starting place. WHEEE. Turns out my previous blog (livejournal) did not suffice for all my blogging needs. Now let's see if I can't make this thingy worth my while. If who have any suggestions as to how I can improve my bloggery, drop them by the desk.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I post all kinds of stuff about what's wrong with America (fags, christians) and nobody so much as looks twice, but as soon as I start in on my own issues, everybody jumps on it. By the by, I'm a pathological liar, none of that had anything to do with anything, I just wanted to see if I could illicit a response. That's what's wrong with this culture - nobody's concerned with the real issues, we just want to bitch about our own 'problems' and then try to help other people by bitching some more. No good. I don't want to use this thing to try and make my own boring life seem interesting. If you want a listing of events with dry commentary, visit Kate or O. I want to discuss more important things, things that stimulate the mind. I don't want you interested in the events of my life, I want you interested in philosophy, religion, and sociology.

That being said, I do feel several emotions, including both rage and anger - I try to incorporate this wide range of emotional fluctuation into my daily life.

As many of you know, I live a life of little emotion. Some say I bottle it up inside and one day I will explode in a violent rage, others (me) say I just don't have any feelings at all anymore. Emotionally, I cannot go down because I have already been there, and nothing else seems to matter anymore. And I cannot go up, because I've been there too, and there is nothing up there worth my while. I read these other people's journals and I talk to them at school, and it always seems like they have so much more going on inside. And I feel nothing. I always thought it was just that I didnt make a big deal out of every little thing, but now I'm starting to think maybe there's something I've missed.

My thoughts are consumed with thoughts of philosophy and religion, and I often wonder what do the rest of you think about all the time. It is a bleak existence, tormented by the knowledge that I can never reach that which I seek. And I know it's sad that I'm only 17 and already jaded and bitter as I am. How I would love to live in your blissful ignorance. To sit through school and never add 2+2, for it is 2+2 which leads to the hell that is f'(x)=[f(x+h)-f(x)]/h, and so on. Or to sit through church and just accept everything I'm told, with no capacity to analyze it.

You asked me why I don't believe as you do. I would love to be like you, but I can't. When you know the things I know, and you've seen the things I've seen, you can't just turn your back on it. I wish I could have been one of you, but that's not my decision to make. I can't just pick and choose what to believe in, and I can't just accept what I've been told to believe in. It is because I am a devoutly spiritual man that I cannot follow a religion. Because when the very basis your concept of existence lies shattered in the pit of your soul, you too will be deadened to the world.

Organized religion is, as it has always been, the status quo. It is all too easy to go along with the crowd, go through the motions, and be another sheep. I, however, must take a leap of faith. That's right, faith in nothing is a greater leap than faith in God. Belief in God is the easy way out. It's easy to just chock it all up to a Creator, without regard for scientific inquiry, but it comes with a great daring faith to say that there is nothing out there in the likes of a God.

There are people who go to church all there lives and never get it. So I say it is better to have no opinion of God at all than one which is not worthy of him. I at least have a belief system and a moral code. I at least am consistent in carrying out that moral code. I think about life and the world and what it all means. And for those of you who are devout in your faith, whatever it may be, and conduct yourself in a manner appropriate to that, then more power to you. But I say it is not the non-believer who is your enemy. It is the man who masquerades as a believer - the man who makes a mockery of the Church by claiming membership but does not act accordingly.

I have great respect for the traditions and mythology of all cultures, but when the members of a church do not even understand their own religion, it is impossible for them to uphold any standard of religious integrity. Look at the cultures of the East. Their religion is not just a religion to them. It is life. It consumes every facet of their lives, and they cannot imagine it any other way because they truly believe it and they live it. Western religion, on the other hand, does not take itself seriously. Church is now more of a pop-culture phenomenon and less of a religious center. Religion only happens on sundays and holidays, and even then they just say a prayer and feel good about themselves and then go back to being 'sinners' the rest of the time.

I uphold the same standards of conduct every day. The funniest church moment of my life came when we watched a video about teens and Christianity. It told us to stand up for our beliefs and not go along with the crowd: that Christianity might not be cool, but it's the right way of life. Afterwards I told the guy in charge that I was done going along with the crowd and pretending to be something I'm not. He was excited because he thought I was making a profession of my faith in Christianity. I love irony. I wont follow you just because there's a lot of you. I'm going to stand up for my beliefs because I have a powerful faith.

I went to a church again recently, that was my first mistake. But I have to keep going back because if I go too long I start to forget why I left. Then I go there and it becomes painfully clear once more.

Anyway, they discussed hope. This church was better because the people were mildly intelligent and a few actually had some insightful things to say. I have no hope. I have never needed it. I believe that success comes through hard work and the occasional convinient opportunity. Hope is for things out of your control. You can hope if you like, but don't use the word in reference to something you could have influenced. For instance: "I hope i did well on that test" is incorrect. If I want a good grade, I make sure I know the material, then I don't even need to hope that the test is easy because I know it regardless.

When I brought up this argument at the church, they quickly began to explain their nonsecular view of the terminology. Hope in the Christian sense refers to the idea that there is some higher end to which we can all aspire, and it can only come through faith. To this I say that I intend to lead the life of a good man, and it shall still be my actions which determine my fate, not blind faith in the idea that someone else will save me.

The Christian idea of hope, therefore, lets them off the hook. The atheist is responsible for his own actions, and takes full responsibilty therein. The Christian has this security blanket of God to blame things on. The atheist must find a logical explaination and solution to a problem, but the Christian can just lose faith and go about his merry way trying to find it again. If they do something wrong, they simply claim they lost their way. The man with no hope is forced to become the more upright because it is up to him alone, without God, to conduct himself properly. If he does something wrong, he can only blame himself, lear from his mistake, and become a better man.

Without hope, I have the freedom to do as I see fit, based on the present situation and my own moral code. With hope, you are a feather at the whim of the wind, with no solid ground on which to base your actions.

To expand a previous comment:

My situation does not define who I am. I define who I am. Social rank does not denote the rank of one's character. I'll not bore you with my once humorous anecdotes; I'll just tell you his name was Bill. Personally, I hate people. Don't ask me who and don't ask me why. I just hate people, every last one of them. But that doesn't change the fact that everyone in this country has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. May I remind you all that it says pursuit - don't confuse that with thinking the government ought to give poor people money because that aint right. I don't support welfare and I don't support Affirmative Action. Just like I said earlier in the 'queer' post, I believe in equal rights for all. That means that everyone can try, but the man of character, the man of good humor, and the man of skill will take their rightful place at the top of the social food chain. This will occur naturally if it is not interfered with. What I mean by that is that people who are good at what they do will naturally gravitate towards prosperity, and the people who are jerks won't get anywhere. Call it karma, call it social darwinism, either way it all works out in the end. But sometimes a man's situation cannot be helped by his own means. He is born into economic depravity, without the opportunity to move up. Government institutions should not interfere with this, either by welfare or by eugenics. Neither of those provides a suitable resolution; welfare merely amplifies the problem by promoting dependency, and eugenics is unconstitutional. It is best that man be left to his own devices, and, in the grand scheme, he will be put in his place, even if the dumb bastard is better off dead.