The Desk.

As many of you know, I live a life of little emotion. Some say I bottle it up inside and one day I will explode in a violent rage, others (me) say I just don't have any feelings at all anymore. Emotionally, I cannot go down because I have already been there, and nothing else seems to matter anymore. And I cannot go up, because I've been there too, and there is nothing up there worth my while. I read these other people's journals and I talk to them at school, and it always seems like they have so much more going on inside. And I feel nothing. I always thought it was just that I didnt make a big deal out of every little thing, but now I'm starting to think maybe there's something I've missed.

My thoughts are consumed with thoughts of philosophy and religion, and I often wonder what do the rest of you think about all the time. It is a bleak existence, tormented by the knowledge that I can never reach that which I seek. And I know it's sad that I'm only 17 and already jaded and bitter as I am. How I would love to live in your blissful ignorance. To sit through school and never add 2+2, for it is 2+2 which leads to the hell that is f'(x)=[f(x+h)-f(x)]/h, and so on. Or to sit through church and just accept everything I'm told, with no capacity to analyze it.

You asked me why I don't believe as you do. I would love to be like you, but I can't. When you know the things I know, and you've seen the things I've seen, you can't just turn your back on it. I wish I could have been one of you, but that's not my decision to make. I can't just pick and choose what to believe in, and I can't just accept what I've been told to believe in. It is because I am a devoutly spiritual man that I cannot follow a religion. Because when the very basis your concept of existence lies shattered in the pit of your soul, you too will be deadened to the world.