Recently, I have found several of my friends increasingly concerned with romance, and quite frankly it baffles me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the ladies and the ladies love me, sort of. I know all the moves and all the tricks and how to use them, and let's face it, I'm a beautiful man with brains and charm. I believe, quite truthfully, that I could bag just about any kill I put my sights on. Why, then, have I never been in a legitimate relationship? (That's right, I said it. Stricken from the record I say, and never to be discussed again.) Because I don't need to be. I don't need to spend everyday with the same person, and I'm sure no one needs to spend every day with me. What's the difference between having a girlfriend and not, when you go to everything with the same group of people anyway? Your arm happens to be around one of them. That's about the only difference I've seen. I don't want that much organization in my life, I don't want other people thinking for me. A man needs the freedom to do what he wants with whom he wants. But as soon as you start labelling things, you get in trouble. There's an obligation there once you put that name on the relationship, and that is completely unnecessary. It makes things seem like more than they really are, and makes it that much harder (logistically, not emotionally) to get out. There's no reason for my life to be consumed by one person, and I hate to think that some poor girl's life is consumed by me, I don't want to put that on anybody.
Now I suppose you'll want to tell me something about somebody being in love with somebody. This is false. It is a myth. It is hormones and desperate codependency. I don't care who she is, you're better off without her. Relationships will only slow you down, and eventually kill you.
Now, if there's any of you out there who aren't already matched up and paired off like throroughbreds, and would like to prove me wrong, I will gladly accept your call because this is one of the few things on which I'd really like to be wrong, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt the truth of my words. Call me anyway, we'll have fun, but don't call me your boyfriend.
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