For my Winston folks, this is an update on college life. For my Wilmington folks, this is a glimpse into what you might think you want to know about my past.
College is where you finally become who you always were, where the same old things are new again, and you discover for the first time the man you've been for years. The very concept of time is novel, in that now you have it, and can use it. All this new time lends itself to thought, for me at least because that's what I do. You can probably guess what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway. I've not changed at all, I've only been amplified. From what you know of me, imagine being around me 24/7, and you'll understand why I am what I am. What I am is a drifter, a rogue, a cultural anomaly in the age of MTV. We knew that already, I've even talked about here before, but now it's time to look at why. I don't like to be locked into one thing. Some call it fear of commitment, and I know I have it, but I'd prefer to call it hopeless romanticism. Male youths in my situation (some of you know the situation I'm talking about) tend to collect father figures. Lucky me, I had people like Johnny Cochrane, Steve, and Rowland to pattern myself after. And of course there's William Wallace, Cosby, and Cool Hand Luke. Strong male role models tend to have a greater than normal impact on my demographic, whether I want them to or not. I have to have something there, even if it's something wierd or just wrong. Because of the role models I've chosen, I've been molded in too many strange and different ways.
Something happened and it changed me. It's why I'm obsessed with the concepts of masculinity and gentlemanliness, and it's why I've always stood alone, drifting in and out of your rigid social hierarchy. It is the primary reason I am the way I am. I've always tried to deny it, but that just proves its truth and has always prevented me from moving on. I don't know why, but this whole college transition has made me think about it a lot more. I guess that makes sense. It's good though, I can admit it now. I always knew it had a huge impact on my life, but I'm just now starting to realize just what it has done to me psychologically. Some of the crazy is just my personality like I've always said, but as I think about it, it seems to be that Freud is at work in a major way.
Thanks for dropping by.
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