The Desk.

Apparently there are people in this world who are unaware of the concept of movie etiquette. And so, since violation of movie etiquette is such an egregious offense, I shall have to explain its parameters. Firstly, if you have a big head, sit in the back. Now that that's out of the way: Talking is only acceptable if your comment is hilarious. If what you are about to say is not humorous or is irrelevant, think it over for a while and decide if it really needs to be said. But don't think too hard because timing is everything. Definitely don't talk while stuff is going on on screen. Make your comment quick during a montage or something. Don't say anything that's already obvious. If a movie has funny moments in it, they are intended. For example, the scene in Last Crusade where Indy and Henry make for the fire place is supposed to be ironic. The director and the writer and the producer and the actor all knew what they were doing when they shot the scene. Nothing in movies is a coincidence that you alone with your wit can see. Every little detail on the screen is put in there on purpose for somebody to notice. You are not the only one who picks up on these things; the rest of us just appreciate it silently. Therefore, do not make comments relating to these types of scenes. Sure, laugh at the funny parts, that's why they're there, but don't laugh obnoxiously. If you have a bad laugh, and you know who you are, keep it under control. Don't ever say "Watch this part." Seriously, what else am I going to do? Watching that part, and all the other parts, is what I'm there to do. Mostly just shut up; talk on your own time. Lastly, no PDA. Don't nobody need that. 'Cause damn.

Improper behavior is now under Zero Tolerance policy. Henceforth, if you are found in violation of these movie watching rules, you will not be allowed to watch any more in our House. Go see them by yourself like the jerk you are, and let the rest of us enjoy a proper movie experience. Failure to abide by movie etiquette standards is grounds for immediate removal. You know who are. Reform or face the consequences.

Then there's Tommy. Lawd knows we need to get that poor boy away from Stellatto. What Tommy doesn't know is that Stellatto knows exactly what he's doing when he locks the door while Tommy's in the shower. It's all his backwards juvenile way of trying to get Tommy to move out. I wouldn't have thought he would have such a problem with the boy because come on, it's Tommy. I would have brought up my proposition sooner but I figured Stellatto didn't have any particular grievances with his arrangement. But apparently he does. The only problem now is Doug. I'm sure he doesn't care because he's never here anyway, so it wouldn't matter if it was Stellatto in here instead of me. The only question is whether to move Doug and Tommy or me and Stellatto. I'll have to mention it to him sometime, and hopefully we'll be able to make the switch before the semester's out. As of now I'm kicked out of the group and they'd have to let me back in if I was Tommy's roommate, right? Then our room would be party central instead of the bass ackwards middle of nowhere black hole that it is now. This will work out well if it can be arranged because everybody hates Stellatto except for Doug, Stellatto hates Tommy for whatever reason, Tommy's my main home dawg, and I'm sure Doug doesn't care one way or the other. I think my proposition will bring us much closer to the natural order of the pod. Stoners with stoners, pimps with pimps.

Here comes my most controversial post of all time. Yes, even more controversial than "Shut the Hell Up, Queer."

There are three kinds of people in the world. First there's dicks. Dicks are cocky sons of bitches that just want to fuck everybody over. They usually end up running the show because they're the only ones willing to stand up for anything. Then there's pussies. Pussies are people that think everybody can just get along nice and happy without dicks. That's why pussies don't do anything except get fucked by dicks. And then the assholes, well they just want to shit all over everything. A dick might fuck you over for a cause, but assholes don't give a fuck about anything. Assholes are responsible for all shit that goes down. Sometimes dicks fuck assholes too. Cause if the dick doesn't fuck the asshole, well then you've got your dick and your pussie all covered in shit. It takes a dick to fuck an asshole, but it takes a pussie to keep a dick in line. It's just the natural order of the world.

In conclusion, go see Team America. I even hate puppets and I liked it.

I've figured out part of the reason I talk so damn much. Part of it, as we've always known, is that I, along with most of the world, desperately crave your attention and approval. That's what a life-long inferiority complex will do to you. That's being worked on. But another underlying reason behind my circumloquation is that I hate people. That's right, just follow me on this one. I hate people, which means I hate it when people talk to me. Therefore, if I go ahead and commondere the conversation, the other people won't talk at me. It doesn't really matter who's on the other end if I'm the one doing the talking. That way all my social interactions are like it's still just me. I know you don't care what I have to say, especially when I'm telling a story that I know I've already told you, just like you know I don't care what you have to say. I know this, and so I really don't care if you listen or not. But I figure if I have to be around people, I might as well talk at them so they don't talk at me. I described this to Derrick the other day and he said he felt the opposite; that if he just stayed quiet and let people talk, then they wouldn't bother him. An excellent strategy and it worked for me for many years. So then, there's two types of people in the world: those who talk to avoid being talked to, and those who avoid talking to avoid being talked to, either way nobody wants to hear about your pathetic excuse for a life. Solution: let people talk who like to talk, and don't make people talk who don't want to, and otherwise just shut up and keep it to yourself, myself included. Brevitas virtus est.

So Re'-re' dropped by the house last night because we ordered a bunch of pizza and it was just me and mother. We talked about everything and it was good. Somewhere during that four hours that felt like five minutes, we got out all the yearbooks and for some reason started talking about who we had had crushes on. I couldn't actually remember any until I saw their picture, and even then it was only a vague recollection. All my crushes in high school were for like three days when I was like "Hmm, what about her," and I'd think about how smart and beautiful and left-handed she was until I realized she was way out of my league. Speaking of my league, I'm pretty sure I don't even have a league because no girls I meet are in it. League nothing, hell, I'm not even in the game. Never have been. I've never needed game. Cause I know there's no women out there who would be remotely interested in any game I might have. Except people two and three years younger than me who literally throw themselves at me, there's nobody I could possibly be attractive to. That's just how it is when you're as crazy as I am, have no social skills, and you're 5'5 and look like a 6 year old. People keep trying to tell me this girl and that girl used to be in love with me but I didn't believe it then and don't believe it now. I refuse to accept the notion that somebody might be attracted to me; it's just not possible. And if she is, she's probably delusional or mentally ill or ten years old because that's the only way that could happen. Hell, I'm surprised when people so much as recognize me, much less enjoy the fact that they know who I am. So in light of this well-known fact, I've never tried to pursue anybody. And I don't intend to start any time soon. Especially with these fine college women around here, there's no way I can compete, even with the ratio in my favor. After all, I'm Watson, and that aint my game.

I'm also done with the funny. It worked for a while, but it's just not what I need to be doing here. That's right, no more funny, no more voices, no more mr. delightfully quirky.

So I may have IM'd some of you and sent you a link to my new website, and it was on my away message for a little while one time. Please note that it is a work in progress, and will probably never be more than just a pet project, just like Liturgical Equity. I basically started it up just to see if I could do it, and maybe learn a thing or two about internet technology. I know what bandwidth is now and why it matters, and I'm continuing to add to my html knowledge base. The content of the page is irrelevant; I just wanted to come up with a few different pages I could have, and play with the website with actual content instead of just a shell of a site. I got the Top 25 idea came from Joe, who is working on a similar top 100 movies page on his website. For my poems I just wanted a place to have them all where I could access them easily, i.e. not my blog archives. Timberland wants a site like mine now too, and I think that's really good for him. That's why I'm going to help him set it up. That'll help me, too. He can have his stuff out on the public domain without having to submit it to a guild or publisher. And just like with mine, he'll be able to access them all easily. Dr. Watson's Story Time is going to be massive, and I'll probably do it in a similar format to the poems. That comes later though, once I know more about what I'm doing. I'm gonna have the most fun with those little top 25 blurbs, and the pictures if I can get those .jpg's in a smaller format and keep the image quality. Gotta conserve my bandwidth, you know, now that I know what that is.

So anyway, the website is pretty much just for my personal benefit, just for fun, and I'm taking y'all along for the ride. I got a guestbook on there now, so everybody can riot.

Oh yea, it's called www.stopbytheoffice.bravehost.com You get it? You see what I did there? It was the desk, but now I have a whole office. Feel free to stop by.

It turns out I can write. The sociology midterm exam essays I just wrote sound like something straight out of a doctoral thesis. Let's see if I can expand this talent elsewhere. So now I'm in the process of writing my piece de resistance, an atheist propaganda novel. I shortly came to remember that I have not the capacity for writing fiction, nor propaganda. I decided instead to write things that actually happened. Not quite an autobiography, I proposed to write a story containing all the interesting things that have happened to me as if it were on a single backpacking outing. That could be an interesting jaunt, but not really feasible, what with all the characters and settings I needed. Unless I was willing to mix things up a bit and have it all "based on a true story." I don't think that's me. I then decided the book needed some kind of common theme, a thread, if you will, to bring it all together and allow it a point. It came to me: all the sermons I've given, and all the remotely religiously related experiences I've had on camping trips. Perhaps a simple collection of tales, perhaps a look into how I came to be an atheist and why it's so much fun. Either way I need to find some way of making it universally relative and entertaining to people other than myself. And make it more than just a bunch of Watson stories. That's the hard part. It'll probably never be finished, and I'm not sure it'll ever really get started, but it should be good for me, you know, on the inside. The title, you ask? Liturgical Equity. Think about it.