The Desk.

Recently this blog has strayed significantly from its former glory, but I intend to put a stop to that. I was surveying my top 5 post picks and noticed that many of the finer posts employ a particular brand of logic, comparing a feature of religion or society to something scientific such as mental illness or physiological need fulfillment. Therefore, in an effort to return this blog to its initial purposes, I shall now draw a comparison between atheism and the surgical removal of a certain inflamed organ. That's right, in my crazy world of backdoor logic, atheism is equivalent to an appendectomy.

Let's just use for argument's sake the intelligent design theory of the existence of God. This theory states that the universe is so infinitely complex that there must have been some kind of intelligent being to have created it, who has since let the universe steer its own course. Sort of a modern take on Deism, this theory sounds to me like some theistic microbiologist got either scared or lazy, but I'll take it for now. So what we have is a situation in which there is absolutely no need for the existence of a god, except at the very beginning when it all started. In other words, God can exist, but it doesn't have to anymore because it is obsolete. Similarly, several parts of the human anatomy are left over appendages from millions of years ago when some ancestral species in our geneological tree needed them for survival in the prehistoric world. The appendix, for example, serves no purpose in the biological success of modern man, yet it still exists because no selective pressures existed specifically to eliminate that particular feature. So what once was necessary remains in existence until it becomes a hinderance to its owner, not merely when it becomes superfluous. The appendix becomes a hinderance to its owner when the body is afflicted by inflamation in this area, or appendicitis as it is specifically known. At this point the organ must be removed before it can cause further damage to the body. It's pretty much harmless and irrelevant before that time, just as the existence of God is no longer relevant to our own existence. However, inflamation of your god, or what I call organized religion, can be extremely dangerous to the rest of the system. God in and of itself is harmless and irrelevant, perhaps even beneficial in rare, isolated cases, but when the society is afflicted by organized religion, things get ugly and everything goes to hell, but that's a different post.

The clearest solution to this problem is removal. Just as the appendix can be removed at the first sign of a potential health threat, God can be removed from your life in order to prevent any damage to said life. This process is called atheism, and it can work wonders. For some it may be a slow and painful process of realizing that your very concept of existence is utterly false, but anesthetics by the name of not giving a rat's ass are available from your local apothocary of sarcasm.

I'm a little off-center, yes, but I try to be consistent in that. Nay, I have to be; I have to be perfect. Because as soon as I show the slightest shift, the slightest sign of weakness, people go all Falwell on me. Apparently I'm not allowed to get angry or unhappy or show any other emotion than my usual festive self without it meaning I'm a satan worshiper. Now that doesn't happen often because I meant what I've said about not feeling, and I do just have that laid-back personality, but you know I'm not entirely the tin man I've constructed; no one is.

The other day I looked someone right in the eye and said that faith in God was the primary reason why elderly Black women in the South have one of the lowest suicide rates of any demographic group in the world, not five minutes after explaining to the same person why I'm an atheist. That's why I have to be perfect. If for whatever reason I start acting a little aloof or depressed, all of a sudden it's because I don't believe in God. If I get angry (and y'all haven't seen me get angry), or even a little upset, all of a sudden it's because I don't know Jesus. I'm sorry, but Jesus isn't, wasn't, and never will be the answer to my problems; you can see here why he's the cause of a lot of them. I'm now incapable of expressing anything outside of crazy, lest it be misconstrued for some manifestation of my lack of faith. Ever since I let it out that I was an atheist, everybody's just waiting for me to make a mistake. Everybody just wants so badly to be right about God that they find things in my behavior to blame on my atheism. Then they try to convert me, and I don't get down like that. Remember, if you start trying to convert me, I will win, and I don't want to do that to you.

On a similar note, don't let my atheism be an excuse for my being a jerk. Don't ever let me off that hook. I have to be perfect, otherwise people will just write off everything wrong I do as a result of being an atheist, and I won't be able to fix it if you do that. It's not a debilitating mental illness that prevents me from acting correctly like you might think. Please, and I might be talking to myself now, please just let me live.

Let's see if you can follow the mind game. Nothing specific as to what I might actually be doing to you, just an example of what I could do with my many mind powers.


I give 1 what 2 wants, even though neither 1 nor I really care, and I let 2 see me do it. Mostly for a psychological buffer zone against 2, but also to drive her into a state of extreme unsettlement, leaving her ripe for A to pick up the pieces. At this point 2 and A live happily and don't ever have to bother me again. 1 gives me what B wants and she lets him see her do that too. We let 3 get all up in B's business because she's prone to do that whenever we set her loose on anybody, and all we have to do is convince B that he wants that to happen. That's the reason for letting him see me with 1. It will push him closer to whoever he can find, 3 in this case. Meanwhile, C is creeping his creepy ass all up in everyody's business, so I then run major operation C patrol, placing 4 through 8 right into my hand. C is good for me; he makes me the good guy. Now I'm able to move in on 4, who is much closer to 2 than 1, both physically and emotionally. To maneuver my way into 4's situation while ignoring the ubiquitous 2 shall cause great discomfort to 2, this time simply for my own amusement. 5 is also of great use to me in this, if neither 1 nor 4 is available. As for 6, well I had originally made preparations for her to be confined to a small space with D for a given period of time and see what became of it, but instead she's been spending quite a bit of time with B, so we'll have to see how that plays out, and perhaps it could be greatly amusing if not advantagous to me to see the reactions of both 3 and D towards this. If I am able to control who does what and who knows about it, this one could be a lot of fun. After all, unsettlement is far more entertaining than a simple pairing of 3 with B and 6 with D. Matchmaker is too easy; I play a different game.

So there you have it; that's what I do. Now you just have to figure how I do it, besides using my Jedi mind powers. And remember, what I have just described is in no way related to the real social dynamic of our dorm. No persons or situations are meant to resemble reality in any way. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

Just a quick word on Improv:
Every Thursday from 6:30 to 8 we do Improv in the auditorium upstairs in the library. The regulars are Spoon (our leader/ Black guy), Adam (crazy guy), Dre (gay guy), James (fat guy), Ben (straight man), Eric (angry guy), Jo and/or Candace (the girl), and Watson (the little one). So, as with any good comedy troupe, we have our bases covered for characters. A few of us have stage experience, but all of us have been doing Improv for a while and know what we're doing. You'd think we'd be proficient with all the basics, but you know how that goes with our type. We have difficulties giving each other criticism and so we progress slowly, but occasionally we have some really good runs. I shall now attempt to explain why Improv is so awesome.

We Improvers have a vendetta against script actors because when they come in all cocky like they do and try to do Improv, they usually suck at it. Improv is ridiculously better than scripted acting. I'm not saying it's harder work or that the people are better actors, I'm just saying it's more entertaining. This is because Improv is real. Script actors often focus too much on their lines and blocking because that is all they're given, so they lose the ability to act in between lines. But in Improv you have to focus on the other person's lines and actions to know what to do next; scripties just have to memorize or read. They already know what the character is supposed to say next, so they don't think about reacting, but Improv forces you to say the first, most natural thing that comes to you. The reactions that happen on stage are genuine, and that means that the people in the audience can relate to that reaction. In plays and movies, a bunch of old guys sit around and try to come up with lines for a teenage couple to say, but in Improv, two teenagers can get up there and say what two teenagers would really say. Or if not that, they'll at least say something we'd think was funny and fitting. But at the same time, more outlandish and crazy things can happen in Improv because you don't have the burden of scripting and directing and editing and producing all these things. Modern film attempts to capture reality in the production value of a shot, but loses all reality in dialogue and expression. As the technology advances, especially in action and horror movies, movies just become big explosions and lots of make-up. The best horror movies are those old psychological thrillers that, even though you know it's fake because the production is so bad, it still gets to you. Dialogue was way better, too; now they just rely on shoot-outs and chase scenes and what-not. But Improv will never change. Improv is almost always black box or with very few sets and props. After all, how can you make a set for a play no one's ever seen? And Improv shows are cheaper to put on and to go to for this reason. And finally, I'd just like to say that all good Improvers can act from a script well too, but very few scripties can do Improv. It's just because of how we think. We think about acting and reacting, about natural movement on stage; they think about lines. So next time, don't go to a play, go see an Improv show instead. And not that crappy Whose Line stuff, either.

You know you’re sleep deprived when you can be fully awake, perky even, after your 1:00 class gets out, and you come home and make the conscious decision to take a short nap before you start doing all your work that’s due tomorrow, and you wake up confused three hours later because your RA knocked on your door for the pod meeting that you didn’t have because nobody that showed up would be the person to have caused the mess that made housekeeping threaten to stop cleaning our pod next time it happens. You know you’re sleep deprived when you write sentences like that one. It took a while, but I think the sleep deprivation has finally caught up with me like it catches up with everybody. I’ll have to get that under control.

Hey, check out the result of my latest spell of boredom. Just like with blogs and websites and comic pages, everybody has one and everybody else decided to make one while they were bored for no real reason, only I have some cool stuff on there, cool stuff that now I can upload to the Office. http://community.webshots.com/user/stairwell007. Dig on that stone groove.

Parents are fun. Not mine of course, but yours; I find your parents rather fun. Ladies, give me five minutes on the phone with one of your parents and I will have them both convinced that you ought to date me, whether you want that or not. Give me an evening with them, and they will have planned our wedding ceremony. For whatever reason, unbeknownst to me, parents love me. Granted, I love old music and old movies and all that, so I can connect with the old folks on that level, but I think it goes deeper than that. Gentlemen, we all know that the secret to getting in good with a girl is to get in good with her father because without his consent, you're pretty much out of luck. So here's a few of my secrets. Apparently, when you first meet me, I come off as a fine, upstanding young man complete with Eagle Scout and a belt that actually holds my pants up. That's critical; you can't be looking all raggedy when you meet them. The pity card is exclusively for her; the parents only see the fine, upstanding young man card. Be pleasant at first, and slowly work your way into charming. You have to get a feel for what's accepted and what's not before you go trying to be funny and offend somebody. So just be nice before you go into your act. I have a special voice that I use to talk to parents, and even distinct ones for the father and the mother. It's lighter and clearer than usual, making me sound less like a crazy person and more like a nice guy, but there's a tone of certainty and strength that lets them know I'm not a waffle or a fruit. Wouldn't want any foodstuffs dating their daughter, would they? Take whatever political affiliation with which they side. I don't care if you disagree, just agree with them no matter what. Unless they like a man who's willing to stand up for himself and isn't just a yes-man. Either way, try not to get into politics or religion, just stick to small talk like how good your grades are and how you want to be in that profession that makes a lot of money and support their daughter. Or that profession that doesn't make much money but is honorable and respectable and their grandchildren will be named after them because you respect tradition. Be exactly as smart as they are. Nobody likes a dumbass or a pedantic know-it-all. Lastly, address them as sir and ma'am. Not because it works (because it does, quite effectively), but because it's just what's right.

What is the best movie watching experience? This question will recieve quite varied responses depending on whom you ask. I've done a little bit of obsevatory research on the matter (primarily because a survey or interview process would likely make me kill somebody).

Some say that the first time you ever see a movie is the best because you're fresh going in and everything on the screen is new and exciting. Other people think it's fun to jabber on about everything during the film and ruin it for the people who haven't seen it because they are sadistic insensitive jerks. Worse yet are the people who talk about what's going to happen next or how it ends. Therefore, if you most enjoy that initial movie screening, watch it with other people who haven't seen it, or with someone you can trust in that context. If you like to jabber on, stick with other people who like to jabber on. It'll be more fun because everybody's into it. I'm not criticizing you; I'm just trying to enhance your movie experience.

Another popular stance is to watch a movie several times. I enjoy this because you pick up on new little subtleties each time. The first time, you concentrate on the plot. After you've seen it once, you start to notice more because you aren't so focused on trying to figure out what's going on.

Now for my ultimate movie watching experience...
Watch a movie you're familiar with and like, but go with someone who hasn't seen it. Don't talk about what's going to happen and especially don't say "Watch this part." (You know my position on that phrase.). But if they have question quickly answer enough so that they can understand what's going on, but not so much to give anything away that hasn't yet happened. The reason I like this way so much is that it's like a whole new movie. Old cult movie fans like me have our reasons for liking something, but a new viewer brings you back to why it's such a great movie in the first place. They react so strongly to things that you take for granted in the movie, and that takes you back to that fresh mindset of the first time, though you've still got the familiarity to see deeper things. Since I have no emotions of my own, this is a delightful way for me to latch onto yours and experience all the drama and humor and what-not in a movie.

Since I am a master puppeteer, things work out beautifully for everyone when I handle my business. I don't think there's a way that could have gone better. What say you, friend, am I not a master puppeteer?

One of the defining characteristics of human society is the use of written language. A standard, codified form of written communication is essential in the very definition of civilization. Standardization is critical because if people just went around spelling things however they pleased, no one would know what the other was talking about. The middle ages were Dark for this very reason. Communication is impossible unless both parties understand what is meant by the written words. It is not sufficient merely to have characters to represent each phonetic possibility because of the presence of homonyms in the spoken language. Verbally, two words may sound the same, and the definition is inherent in the context. But on paper, without the benefit of inflection and phrasing cues, the meaning of a word is given only by the accepted understanding of what that combination of characters means. Punctuation and word order are also critical in extracting meaning from groups of words and letters. These definitions can be found in a document called a dictionary, the contents of which were agreed upon a long time ago in order to clear up any misunderstandings about the language. When people don't spell things correctly, or intentionally use the spelling of a homonym, the meaning of their sentence is lost. Secondly, Arabic numerals were adopted by westerners for the purpose of representing numbers mathematical calculations with them, not for representing English words that sound the same way the numbers are pronounced. But even the usage of numerals in prose is incorrect. The proper thing to do is to spell out the word for whatever number you want to describe.

What I'm getting at here is that when you use the written language incorrectly, no one can understand what you're saying. In this age, with the internet forcing more people to have to use the written language for more things, it is critical to uphold the standards of that language. Tell me what you want to tell me. The way to do that is to use the words that mean what you want to say, not just any random combination of letters that roughly resembles the phonetic interpretation of your comment.

It turns out Morgan and I have been married for thirty years. There's zero sexual tension between us because there's zero sexual attraction. She's not really my type (I go for the brunettes), and I'm only hers when I wear a tie. We ended up together more than anything; there was certainly no romantic gesture made by either of us. Everyone else thinks both of us are insane, but to us we seem normal. We've heard everything the other has to say and we really don't care anymore. We used to listen to each other when we first met because we thought maybe they'd say something of consequence. Soon we realized that there's no reason to pay attention but we still talk to each other for hours anyway about nothing. We finish each other's sentences, but that's only so they'll shut up. There's nothing she can do to surprise me anymore, and she never did find me very interesting. We're strictly business when it comes to anything we might do together, and any dispay of affection that might happen is for the sole purpose of protecting one of us from some outside force. Her mother scares the hell out of me and her dad treats me like the son he never had, even though he has three. They've been trying since they met me to get us together because they don't know my secrets. Whenever they find out I'm an atheist, they'll be trying to break us up and they will disown me. Oh, and we have many children, grown and in college. We live vicariously through our puppet-mastery of people in the dorm, since we ourselves were never capable of any romantic endeavor. Neither of us like the other very much. In fact we disagree on most things, and quite frankly I find her annoying. I'm sure she feels similarly about me. So there you have it. The reason I'm not a relationship type of guy is that I've already been married for thirty years.

How to win a presedential election if you're a democrat: (Alternate title - The Republican will always win unless...)

1. Be from the South.
Democrats from the South are the only kind of democrats that can win an election. That's because you need those Dixie votes, and Dixie will only vote Dixie. I call your attention to the last two democratic presidents - Carter and Clinton. Southern democrats are raised in a right-wing atmosphere, and they've learned how to talk about democratic platforms to republicans and not offend anybody. Yankee democrats are used to everybody around them being democrats, so they just say whatever want. Yankees might have the edge within the party, but on the national level, a Southerner is your only hope of getting any Southern or battleground state. (Sorry Edwards, but VP just doesn't matter on this call, it's got to be the president)

2. Be Interesting
It doesn't really matter where you're from or what party, if you're boring you'll never succeed in politics. It wins and loses elections - take a look at Gore and Kennedy. Gore may have been from Tennessee, but damn was he dull. And what Kennedy lacked in geographic heritage, he made up for in charisma. (Sorry Kerry, but you remind people of a cross between Herman Munster and Lurch.)

3. Eliminate the Third Party Threat
In this country, half the people are Republican, and half are either democrat or third party. You need the independents, Republicans don't. This nation is naturally more conservative, and the GOP candidate will be elected unless you get the swing vote and battleground states. People who would otherwise vote democrat vote independent just because it's there. Independent candidates steal those votes from the democratic candidate, leaving the door open for the republican to win. Sling mud at the middle, not the right.

4. Be damn good at what you do
Only six democrats were elected to the presidency in the twentieth century (before that the terminology was all switched up): Wilson, Roosevelt, Truman, Kennedy, Carter, Clinton. Johnson doesn't count; he wasn't elected. The last three I've already explained - Southern and/or charming. As for the first three, well, there was no significant third party in their time, plus they had other factors like major wars and depressions and what-not to play off of. If you can find you one of them (not this fake war we're in right now, but a real problem) you might be able to convince some people to vote for you. Otherwise, the Republican always wins by default.