A person's relationship style is largely dependent on the type of relationship they had with their parents. The three major types are secure attachment, in which the child is able to form solid relationships, and is the ideal and most common relationship style familiar to Western society; insecure avoidant attachment, in which the child is raised to fend for itself and seeks independence and dominance in relationships; and insecure ambivalent attachment, wherein the child is overprotected and infantilized, and tends to be needy and clingy. You'll look at this and automatically peg me as the second type, as I did initially, but upon closer reflection of my childhood, I found strong influences of all three in my relationships with my parents and others. What I have determined from my analysis of my childhood (or what I can remember of it) is that I must have developed a secure attachment with my father and an avoidant relationship with my mother. At school I was treated in a way that would normally manifest an ambivalent style, but all I got to show for it was a massive inferiority complex that enhanced my already avoidant nature. The simple fact that much of what I remember has to do with him leaving with Aaron to go on camping trips and soccer tournaments suggests that it was significant when he was gone, and less so with mother, implying the type of relationship I had with each. So now my relationships follow one of these two patterns, making your experience either hot or cold with me. For the most part, I am the classic avoidant type. I don't get close and I don't need to, and this is how I relate to and deal with people. But if I do let you in (and I haven't figured out yet why it is who it is that I let in - I'm looking for patterns but haven't found any), there can be a lot of powerful things happening. I believe that people all have personal and interpersonal powers that affect their relationships in the manner in which and degree to which they are transfered. Because of my experiences in the world, and because I mostly keep it in, I have great power stored up that is transfered through various means when you find them.
Everybody can see the power transfered through someone's voice and physical presence, and these things can draw people in or drive them away, but I find that the greatest power is found in the eyes and hands. I don't make eye contact that much unless I'm using it for something - even then I have to force it; it's very unnatural for me and you'll know the difference if you've seen me make genuine eye contact. Physical contact is another major determining characteristic in relationships, and I remember very little throughout my life except with my father. So now I generally don't touch people. Some people have to touch everybody all the time because that's how they know how to relate, and these people tend to make me uncomfortable. Physical contact is a symbolic thing for me, and a paramountly significant one for this reason. It's one of those things I can't make myself do. I can use my words, movement, and sometimes eyes in any way to convey any kind of message I might want you to hear, but I've never been able to use physical proximity and contact without being genuine in it.
What I'm getting at here is that people can relate to each other in different ways, and the particular manifestations of their relationship does not make their attachments any less powerful or deeply felt. Some people need to show things a certain way and other people another way in order to prove the reality of the relationship to themselves or others, but what matters is not how it is expressed, but what is known. The depth and definition of a relationship should not have to be discussed or expressed in any socially prescribed manner if it is truly and genuinely known by the parties involved. The reason I don't like titles is not the responsibility or the commitment that people seem to think I fear, but rather the absurdity of them. Relationships are what they are if it is natural. If it takes that much effort and discussion, clearly the relationship does not deserve the title. In other words, just let it flow, and it will be what it will be, what is best and right. Because that's what a relationship is, is what you feel, not what you call it.
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