The Desk.

An extended response to the last riot on the riot board, and because I wanted to reword the post I deleted from a few days ago.

Apparently y'all are not aware of how deeply offended I am by the notion of pity, or either you are aware, and you're deliberately trying to piss me off. Pity is the ultimate insult, more greivous than any fun to be made at my expense, and there is no hatred more ossified than mine towards the suggestion of pity. Because pity implies that you think I'm not capable of handling my situation, so you think you're doing me a favor by feeling sorry for me instead of telling me straight what you think. Well I don't accept favors. If I wanted it, I could play that card, I've got a great hand for it, but your pity isn't what I seek. So don't ask me little trivial pleasantries when you know I know you're only patronizing me. Don't laugh at me when I'm not funny; that doesn't bother me - what bothers me is people pretending to laugh because they think I'm so weak as to be hurt by one bomb joke. Or because they want to get in my pants - I intend to take full advantage of my good looks, but I've never relied on that solely. I get by on my initiative, not gifts or favors or pity. Everything I have is something I've earned, and everything anybody gets from me is something they've earned, good or bad. Everybody I deal with by choice is somebody I respect for one reason or another, and I should think that everybody who chooses to have dealings with me does so out of respect for some attribute of mine, or at least because they like me on some level, but never do I want people around to talk to me just out of pity. What good does pity do? It's a waste of your time and mine. Go ahead and hate me, ridicule me, make ass fun of me and call me a jerk, I don't care, just don't think for a second that I deserve the slightest amount of pity from you. If it's pity you feel, then I'd prefer you stay away from me rather than have the brutalized audacity to come into my own house and insult me. So leave this pitiful wretch to wallow, if you think that's what I am, and we'll both be better off.

Wrote half a poem in this vein a while back, take a gander:
http://www.stopbytheoffice.bravehost.com/dontpray.html

I just spent an hour or better looking at my dad's senior year high school yearbook. Before tonight I had only ever looked at his picture, getting freaked out and putting it back when I discovered he looked just like me, but tonight I went through and read all the things people wrote to him. I didn't know he had been in stage crew, or involved in theatre at all, so that was weird, but that was just the beginning. All the girls addressed their notes to David, and the guys to Watson, a trend found in both mine and my brother's histories. In multiple cases, he was noted as having the nickname of God, in addition to other, less significant nomers. Besides the inherent hilarity of late 60's teen slang, once I realized people actually used to say that stuff, I found the whole thing thoroughly funny. A couple of people said something about listening to Carolina beach music and Motown and how off that was for country ass white kids. Most all the people made a reference to "raising" or "raising it," and it wasn't but one or two that actually wrote out raising hell, and everybody told him not to do too much of it or he'd fail out of college. The whole thing was chock full of his great sense of humor and inviting personality. Plenty of the girls told him how good looking and "understanding" and "sweet" he was. I expected this much, as yearbooking signing is pretty much always the same, but much of it was specific to him and his experiences and relationships with these people. They talked about power, but not the way I do - just a lot about his ability to listen and solve everyone's problem's, just like me only he solved said problems instead of exploiting them. I especially enjoyed reading about his escapades involving "parking." If you've seen Back to the Future, you know what I'm talking about. Aparently he gave a lot of rides, and parked plenty, and sometimes took girls for drives. Some of the rides were just rides, but enough of the passages were worded in a way that makes me think more of the drives. Then I remembered how I used to give everybody a ride cause everybody used to give me a ride before I got a car and I pay things forward. Then I remembered how I take girls for drives, and why that's different from giving somebody a ride. Turns out my favorite macking technique is genetic. And in a style much like mine, an abnormal proportion of his friends were juniors or sophomores from theatre, and the one girl who made a reference to giving his class ring away was a sophomore. Of course I then looked up the pictures of the girls that wrote anything particularly flirtatious and damn did he catch some sweet action. But the most surprising thing was one of the most subtle, and I might be inventing it out of nothing. As I read I caught several hints that he was vocally skeptical of religion in much the same way as I am, including "I know better than to say 'God bless you' because I know you'll take care of yourself," and "Maybe I'll see you at church (HA!)," etc.

So it turns out I've spent the last 5 years unconsciously turning into my father. Some of it was conscious, that I purposefully emulated from him, but there's some stuff where I want to know how I turned into what I never knew he had been. I'm excited about the implications of this prospect.

If you couldn't tell, that last post was just filler until I could find something to actually write about. It's gone now because, like most things I write, it really didn't mean anything.

I was approached today regarding a solution to a current situation, and of course my initial response was that their is no problem with the situation. But since, when it comes to my business, my first priority is comedy, I pursued the conversation further, as to root out any comic potential from the situation. The base of dramatic irony has already been laid here, and has entertained me greatly, put the situation has reached a point at which the duality between the fact and the image is no longer sufficient to maintain itself. This is because the situation is tied into an entire dynamic that has been established between me and the establishment. Eventually I might start saying things that mean things; now seems a godd a time as any.

My intention is not to make her choose between me and her other friends. She knows this, I know this, but they wouldn't accept it even if they could know it. It doesn't matter to me what anybody does when I'm not around, and she's no exception, but for some reason they believe that any and all time spent in my presence instead of theirs will be detrimental to her and to their relationship with her. I see where they're coming from and I don't blame for thinking so. I am dangerous, and I do have a tendency to hold the knife that they land on when they throw themselves at me. That, and my belief in the inherent egocentrism of all mankind, is what leads me to believe that these people have taken an interest in this not out of any concern for her well-being, but their own jealosy. This is where you accuse me of being an egotistical bastard, which I am. But I've got a right to that. If I didn't deserve all these titles and praises, the people wouldn't put so much stock in everything I do and say, they wouldn't react the way they do to every move I make, and they wouldn't play right into my hands like they always do. If I wasn't as funny as I think I am, people wouldn't laugh at me. If I wasn't as brilliant as I say I am, I wouldn't be as right as I always am. I might be egotistical, but I can back my shit up.

But back to the issue at hand. We discussed the various things the others are thinking and what they and we are going to do about it. I called it before the one wrote about, I said one thing they might have in the works is to excommunicate me. What they fail to take into account is that by doing that, they're handing to me the thing I've tried so hard to take. I'm very good at making people like me, but I'm even better at making you hate me. Don't you think I know that? Everything I do is deliberate. Everything you see, you're meant to see, and everything you think, I've planted. If you want to bring me down, if you want to really get at me, giving me what I want and proving me right are no way to do it.

I'll tell you all now what I told her some time ago. Most people, especially people who've been a victim of it, think my only motivation is the image, and the fact of the thing is no deeper than that. But the fact of the thing is always first in my mind. I do as I see fit to take the reality where I want it to be. The image follows. When the reality is as I want it, then I step back and see what kind of an image it might have for those on the outside, and I use it to play with. Whatever I might be doing on the outside usually does not affect the fact because usually the girl's in on it. The two are completely separate and unrelated, and the image is only for amusement on the side. The ultimate goal lies in the fact of the thing. So if I see the potential for comedy, I'll seize it and exploit it, and my amusement is further increased by my knowledge of the gulf between the truth and what I can make you think.

I apologize in advance if sounds a little morbid; it's not meant to be.

I like to do things in a way that makes sense to me, even if that means going against traditional wisdom. One thing that has never made too much sense to me, and I don't know why I think of this now, is Western death rituals. It's not that we have them that bothers me - every culture in every time and place has had some kind of death ritual, as every person in every time and place experiences this event - but it is the particular practices we have chosen to surround and commemorate this event that baffle me. I am not familiar enough with Christian or Jewish scripture and tradition to determine the exact origin of our various practices, but can say with a fair amount of certainty that death rituals are almost always tied to religious belief. That alone is enough to make me take a step back from them and analyze more closely, but even the surface of funeral rites makes no sense to me. The whole eulogy and scripture reading and even the wake I get because those things have both a scriptural and emotional/psychological basis and serve a purpose to the living. What I'm talking about is the actual physical burial ritual we use. Let's take the coffin for example. We put the guy in a box, underground, with a pillow, in a business suit. Now let's at least make up our minds where we think he's going. I mean do we think he's taking a nap or going to a meeting or what? What's going on there? And cemetaries. Those seem like an awful waste of space and resources to me. Call me an insensitive pragmatist, but I don't get it.

Now let me tell you about a funeral ritual I can sink my teeth into (no pun intended, you'll see what I'm talking about). The Yanomamo people of the Amazon have a much simpler, though no less meaningful practice to celebrate the life of a deceased person. So as to prevent you from throwing your laptop aside in disgust, I'll do the bit first where I explain why, then I'll say what it is they do. The philosophy is that the soul of the deceased has its resting place within the bodies of the living. The soul, and therefore the powers, abilities, and physical appearance are passed down through members of the same family in this way, as only close family members are allowed to participate in the ceremony, though others may be present. Not only does this ritual provide peace of mind for survivers through its explaination of the fate of the deceased's soul, but also serves to explain family resemblance and other things that are explained by genetics in scientific societies. It is thought that because of this, every person has a part of all their anscestors actually in them, and anscestors and therefore the spirit of the Yanomamo people as a whole, will live on forever as long as this ritual is practiced. Now, do you know what it is? They cremate the body and stir up the remains into a watery soup, about the consistency and texture of thin grits. Then the closest living relatives consume it in a highly ritualized ceremony. Note: this is not cannibalism. They don't do this for nourishment, nor do they particularly enjoy having to do it any more than we enjoy burying our relatives. It is done for the reasons I already explained and it makes sense to them to do this because of they way they understand the afterlife and such. I like the idea personally, not that I like it like it, like I would like to do it, but I like it in that it has a mentality to it and a philosophy I can understand, obviously not from a scientific perspective, but emotionally it sounds like something that makes sense to attach yourself to. It's also very practical and more efficient than our cemetaries, especially since they don't have that kind of space in the rainforest. Better than a box underground next to a bunch of other boxes anyway. Thoughts?

We know what you girls are doing, and the only reason we don't put a stop to it is because we don't need to, and because we find it funny. You have, rather than approaching the parties involved, formulated amongst yourselves a scheme to keep her physically isolated from me whenever you are around. Your first mistake is in thinking that you could stop me from doing what you think I'm doing, and your second is in thinking I need to be stopped. I am far more powerful than you think, and I've made you think I'm pretty damn powerful. I have many powers, and there's nothing you can do to stop me if I choose to employ them. Your efforts to resist only persist because we let you think they do (they really mean nothing now). Besides, if I wanted to do whatever it is you think I do, I've had the chances and it would have been done already. And it would have been done without her or anybody else knowing about it. Now, even if you did have the ability to stop me, it doesn't need to be done. And even if it did, even if I was up to whatever you think I am, it is not your job to do that. It would be her job. But that is not the case anyway.

Come on, do you really think she's so weak? Or is it that you think I'm just that low? Clearly you don't have much respect for her if you think that's what you need to do, and apparently you underestimate the both of us if you think that's how you're going to do it.

What is it about me that makes people refuse to admit to themselves that I'm a jerk? I'm not joking when I say I'm a jerk, and it's not my fault when people can't understand that. I feel I've given more than ample information as to what it is I do, and others too give continual warnings about me. Being victimized is always a choice. I can only use you as far as you let me. Because I never force anything against the person's will. So when people deliberately choose to ignore the warnings and get involved with me, they're entering a contract in which I assume they've read the fine print, of which there is no fine print because, again, I've made it painfully evident what I do. It's all there plainly, and you can't blame me for your own failure to understand. Take the warning label on cigarettes, for example. People choose to ignore that and to start smoking, then when they get lung cancer, all of a sudden it's the tobacco company's fault even though they sure loved them before the diagnosis. It's just plain ignorant. As for the lying, I do lie. Everybody knows I lie consistently and deliberately. It's not my job to discern the truth for you. I assume that you know I'm a pathological lier and that you would be on watch for that. That's all just part of the game and it comes with the territory. Hers is exactly the kind of thinking I got into this business to seek out and eliminate, and everything she's doing is just further evidence that I'm right. I'm always right. Look at her and you'll see what happens when you don't listen to me. Look at her and you'll see exactly why everybody's got it all wrong but me. This is nothing new. Look back in the Desk archives, remember back to anything I've ever said, and you'll see everything I've talked about here. I've even said on many occasions that I'm not opposed to getting involved, and that doing so is nothing special, as long as she is willing to understand and admit what she's getting into. When they don't, it is through no fault of mine, but their own conscious ignorance, that people go all crazy, and that's their problem. Everybody'd be a lot better off if they just listened to me.

It is necessary to aproach all endeavors and philosophies with the same perspective. Such is the reason I fall on the liberal side of many issues even though I got there by means of a conservative attitude. I am not by any means a Republican, nor do I automatically support any candidate simply on the basis of party affiliation. Because in my mind the social platforms of both parties are backwards from their fiscal and legal policies. Conservatism, in the American political sense of the word, refers to a desire for reduced govermental control and influence over the lives of individuals, economically and legally, hence the Republican stance favoring reduced taxes, individually owned health care, and general economic independence. On these issues I agree with the Republican party because they stay true to the principles of fiscal conservatism and the constitutional definitions of various powers of the government. On social issues, however, the Republican party clings to a different definition of conservatism that implies a need for things to stay the way they have been and a fear of change. Romantic American individualism seems to be the concern of their policies but the implementation is quite opposite, and I find the liberals are much closer to the personal freedoms sought after by individualist thinkers. For example, how can the GOP reject a governmental interference such as Medicare or Affirmative Action, claiming the righteousness of individualist ideals, while they support the legal suppression of an act of freedom such as gay marriage or abortion. The reason is Christianity and the religious right wing. The social interests of the church, and its insatiable desire to crush individual freedoms, are in clear conflict with the interests of the very people who make up its body. I happen to agree with conservatives on these two particular social issues for my own reasons that have nothing to do with Jesus, but my idealistic view of universal philosophy requires me to side with the Democrats in the actual application of law. What I mean by that is that even though I don't personally agree with gay marriage or abortion, it is not my place nor that of the law to prohibit the individual freedoms of otherwise law-abiding citizens. But it is my place to disagree. And it is each man's place to live his life (the very same reason I oppose abortion).

I approach all concerns with the same philosophy and try to avoid clear conflicts in my support of a given side of a given concern. I've found all my policies from world political issues all the way down to my personal interests and choices come back to the same romantic ideals of individualism. So I say a lot of things that sound arrogant when I talk about how I have to do what I need to do for things to be right, but it's true for you too. There's nothing wrong with helping people out, and I try to do as much of it as possible, but ultimately you cannot depend on a system that is built on communal efforts as its base. Simply put, I don't trust anybody but myself, so I give credit to myself for the things right in my life, and when something goes wrong, I know exactly who to blame, and I know exactly whose job it is to fix the things that go wrong, and I don't go blaming my problems on other people and I don't go complaining about it either because doesn't do anybody any good. And thusly I have lived. And I say I live because I don't hide behind any doctrine to define my life for me. I live in the moment, drinking deep from the fountain of life, every second as a lifetime, for I know my very lifetime a mere second in the eyes of eternity, and every moment is new and full for me. Nothing is defined or predetermined in my world until I define things as I see them and as I know the world to be, rather than relying on some doctrine or policy to show me how it's supposed to be.

Trust no one but yourself, or at the very least hold yourself accountable for your losses and your victories alike. And live.