And so we come again to the subject of pride. I hate being patronized. I am deeply offended when the people who should know me the best can't give just a little fucking credit once in a while. Do not tell me what I want. Do not tell me what will make me happy. I know what I want. I like Wilmington. No, I didn't come here for the beach; I don't even like the beach. But I like living in Wilmington. I like the school. No, it's not a world-renowned history department, but I like this university. It fits what I need and what I want. I like majoring in history. Just because you don't like history doesn't give you the right to tell me it's not important. Furthermore, I like specializing in religious history. That is what I like studying, that is what interests me, and I don't have to justify that to anyone. And I have my problems with the education department, but I want to be a teacher. That is what I want to do. I like my friends. They are my friends because I like them. Do not insult my friends or my choice to associate with them, nothing gives you that right. Yes, they're major dorks, but guess what - so am I. Do not come into my space and tell me that transfering to another school in another town, changing my major, and making all new different friends will make me happy or be better for me. If I didn't like what I did, I wouldn't do it - give me some fucking credit.
I got to where I am by doing what I want, how I want. If I wanted something different, that's what I would have fucking done. Believe me, I did not get here by accident. So why should I stop now? Maybe I won't get my hair cut just because you said to. In fact, that's a good enough reason for me not to. Maybe I don't want to spend more than a week in this town. Don't tell me where I want to be. Maybe I want to be left alone. And you know, maybe I want to go to fucking Wyoming. Will I? Maybe. Give me a little fucking credit. I know what I want to study, I know what kind of program I'm looking for. I'm going to look through graduate schools and apply to the programs that best suit what I need and want. And if that's Wyoming, maybe I'll just fucking go. And maybe I'll be happy there. But whatever happens, I know I won't be happy until you ease up off my fucking back. So if I can't get back that one thing I need, if that's really gone, there's no reason I should give a shit for anybody else. Nothing but that is worth that sacrifice. I'm doing this on my terms this time. I'm living on my terms. Merry Christmas, you fucking vultures.
"Jesus, 2005 sucked. I say the best part of 2005 is that it's over." How little I knew.
A lot can happen in a year. A whole hell of a lot. For a lot of reasons, 2006 was a hard year, and a powerful year. It would seem I floated backwards through a series of things happening to me. If that's the case, then many things came to pass around me. It saw the greatest gains and the greatest losses I've known in many years, perhaps the greatest I have ever known. I met a lot of new people this year, all kinds, and I have seen more of the best and more of the worst of men than I knew existed. For that matter, I saw more of the best and the worst in myself. And so it came to pass. It came to pass and I'm still not quite sure what the hell it was, but I know where I am now. Whatever happened, no questions remain about where it left me. All that remains is what I do now. The last hand doesn't matter any more, just who's at the table now. I know who I am. I'm dealing the cards. I know who's sitting across the table from me now and I know what they're holding. I'm back in this thing. Give me a little while, I'll be back on top.
And so 2006 is over. 2007, bring it. Rex inter viris sum.
Also, I made this:
Sit down and shut up.
Sit down and listen. Listen to everything you can hear. Listen to baroque classical music. Listen to jazz, bluegrass, blues, and rock and roll music. Listen to a vinyl record or a jukebox. Listen to the people as they go by. Go away from the people and listen to what else is to be heard. Listen to old men tell stories. Listen to children tell stories. Then listen to silence. When you grow tired of the silence, and the time comes to speak, fill it with something worth hearing.
Sit down and look. Watch everything you can see. Sit in one spot and watch the people go by. Watch them work and watch them play. Look at family photos. Look at great works of art. Look at a child's art. Look at the magnificent monuments and structures men have built. Look at maps. Watch live plays and improv. Watch old movies, and silent movies. Watch ballet dancers. Watch Fred Astaire or Gregory Hines tap dance. Watch a traditional Native American war dance. Watch a church service, Catholic and Protestant. Watch the people at funerals, weddings, and airports. Watch the people in elevators. Then sit alone and watch absolute darkness. When you grow tired of the darkness and the time comes to be seen, fill it with something worth seeing.
Sit down and read. Read everything you can find. Read the newspaper. Read old newspapers. Read Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. Then read Alexander, Sun-Tzu, and Hitler. Read Chaucer and Shakespeare. Read Marx, Swift, and Payne. Read Aquinas, Neitze, and Voltaire, Twain and Wilde. Read Freud, Darwin, and Jung. Read Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. Read the Bible, the Koran, and the Tao of Pooh. Read everything from Homer to Hemmingway, from Zulu to Zoroaster. Then read an empty page. When you grow tired of the empty page and the time comes to write, fill it with something worth reading.
Now get up and go. Go everywhere you can go. Go to work and to class and to church. Go down the hall or downtown. Go down a river in an old canoe, or up a mountain in an old pair of boots. Go great distances to foreign worlds. Go somewhere where they don't speak your language. Go somewhere that no one else knows is there. Go in a plane or boat or a train. Drive or ride. Go on horseback, high in the saddle. Go West. Go every direction. Go on your own feet through miles of backcountry. Swim or sail through lakes and oceans. Wade through the labrynth of a large city. Then come back home and go absolutely nowhere. When the time comes, make home someplace worth going.
In short, if you don't have anything decent to contribute to humanity, keep it to yourself, you ignorant, slovenly MTV excuses for people.
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