I don't remember the beginning of the dream, but at some point, my mom started yelling at me for a scratch on the car, and I ran off. I just up and ran. I did that once, my mom was yelling at me about getting my hair cut or something stupid, so I just got in my car and drove back to Wilmington. Anyway, I ran off through our backyard, followed the creek, and got to this trail. There were a couple people with backpacks and such milling around, up and down the trail. One of them was a little older than me and looking pretty rough. He didn't say anything, but slipped a couple quarters in my hand, and pointed me up the trail. As I got further along, it was apparent that right behind the creek in my backyard was a massive hobo jungle, back in the woods. I kept walking and finding people I know, asking if they woul come with me, but nobody would. They all were complacent to scrape a living out of the hobo jungle. Then I come to this train station. In the middle of the woods, a huge, modern train station. There were still a lot of hobos in there, but it was a regular station, with people going everywhere. I looked at the board at where all the trains were going, and picked Denver, but nobody would come with me. Then I saw one of my sort-of ex's, one I kinda did wrong a while back, and she looked in bad shape. I had a big stack of quarters in my pocket now, and one of the hobos warned me not to count them out in the open. I wandered around behind where the girl was, and heard her friend say that she thought she saw me a minute ago. Then I came up behind her, slipped the quarters into her hand, and shuffled off without them seeing my face. That's where the dream ended, I think, at least I don't remember any more. Now I have to talk to my mom. Damnit.
I’ve never asked for help, and I’ve never asked for sympathy or forgiveness. I’m not looking for advice, or approval, because I don’t need either. But I do appreciate any input I can get on how to get my shit together right now. I can’t sleep. Not just tonight. I haven’t slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night in weeks, and it’s starting to show. Something about this is a lot worse than depression I sank into last winter. Maybe a little of that is still in me. There’s too much work to sleep, but I don’t do the work even though I stay up all night. I think I screwed up big this time. I’ve been coasting so far, and that’s been okay so far, but it’s not cutting it this semester and now it might be too late to make up for my losses. I got lazy because for 15 years of school, I’ve gotten by on skates, blindfolded and backwards and still made it through all the hoops, but I’ve dug myself a huge hole now.
You’re going to say I should quit my job to focus on school, but it’s too late for that. I just need a do-over. It’s been knocking around in my head for a week or two, but a conversation I had tonight made me realize that it might be a possibility, and might be the best thing for me right now. I need a do-over on this semester, and I’m not ready to defend my thesis or for my internship in the spring. I’m not even ready to do the lessons I was supposed to have already done. It snuck up on me, I don’t know how. I’m in way too deep this semester to save it. The work is piling up and by the time I even figure out what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s already late and I’ve got more things due too. I want to just withdraw, take a year, and come back next fall. People do that all the time. People do that and they’re fine. Aaron’s friends, my friends, I know plenty of people who’ve withdrawn and come back, and it worked out. I’d name names, but I don’t need to. I’m 21 years old, and I don’t need to justify my decisions to anyone.
Because of how the education program works with the internships, it doesn’t make sense to come back in the spring and they won’t have the classes I need. I need to pick up the track again in the fall, and graduate spring ’09. What difference does it make? I’ll still graduate, same as all the other people. Half of the people in this department are non-trad anyway, so what’s the difference? Everyone will still be here another year or longer, so I won’t be deserted. Tom’s most likely staying at UNCW for his masters, and most everyone else is a year or two younger than me anyway. It’ll give me time to just work, save some money, get everything straight in my head and come back ready. I’ll come back ready and more mature. I’m not just trying to be lazy or get out of school. I’m an academic, and I’m not just going to drop out and get complacent at the theater full time. That’s not what this is about. I want to be able to come back and do things right. I’m tired, not just physically tired; I mean I’m worn out and I’m exhausted from this and it’s only making me sleep less and stress more, around in circles. It’s making me sick, to the point where I’m pale and weak and physically ill. The people who know me well know this isn’t me. It’s draining me, and not because it’s too much work or it’s too hard, but because I’ve been floating through it and not paying attention to where I am.
I’m going to go to all my classes, do what’s due this week, or what was due last week as the case may be. This week I’m going to talk to everybody: my brother, my mom, my professors, and my advisor. This isn’t random, and this isn’t a cop-out because I want to be lazy. I fucked the shit up, and this can fix it. I need a do-over. This is a serious possibility that I might withdraw.
Stories tell of a mighty sword,
With blade of fire and hilt of gold
That Satan drew against the Lord
Knowing that it bore a prophecy.
Qouth the wretched prophecy:
"Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
Shall be buried by the hand of he
Who'll read this very prophecy."
Lucifer did draw the sword,
Thinking that the prophecy,
Etched beneath the flaming blade,
Would surely grant his victory,
Ages later, a man would find,
While on a walk through Hell itself,
The self-same sword within a rock
That hid the wretched prophecy.
He put no stock in prophecy
But took the sword and knew his task,
To finish a quest already begun,
And now sealed by the prophecy.
"The meaning of this prophecy,
I'll rid the world of evil men,
Things begotten of religion:
Evil deeds, and all of sin,"
And so began the prophecy,
On the day he drew the sword,
His father slipped into the night,
Just as in the prophecy.
Seven years did pass him by,
And the girl he loved came unto he,
She bore a son, who never beathed,
Taken by the prophecy.
He grew weary of the prophecy,
And the burden he had born
So thinking he'd be done of it,
He gave the girl unto the prophecy.
The blood of she who he so loved,
He thought would cure the prophecy,
For she had been the sweetest angel,
The Holy Spirit sent to him to set him free.
Seven years again did pass,
And seven angels too did see,
Those who knew him met their death,
It hadn't satisfy the prophecy,
Just as Lucifer himself had done,
He took a third of heaven's choir,
Thinking in his twisted mind,
Their blood could sate the prophecy.
Until the seventh year did come,
He decided it had gone enough,
And settled with his newfound love,
Ignoring past and prophecy.
In seven years of peace he found
The deepest love he'd ever seen.
When she was stricken deathly ill,
His mind came to the prophecy.
"Damn the wretched prophecy
That sayeth harm will come to thee.
I'll bury not another angel,
Despite the wretched prophecy."
Should the prophecy come true,
I'll know that God is real.
Should the prophecy take you,
It's cerain he is evil.
I've been at peace these seven years,
Repented for the sins of seven past,
And now he chooses to redeem
The final token of the prophecy?
Should I find this to be fact,
By Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
I'll be Lucifer's right hand,
And draw this sword on God himself.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
