I’ve never asked for help, and I’ve never asked for sympathy or forgiveness. I’m not looking for advice, or approval, because I don’t need either. But I do appreciate any input I can get on how to get my shit together right now. I can’t sleep. Not just tonight. I haven’t slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night in weeks, and it’s starting to show. Something about this is a lot worse than depression I sank into last winter. Maybe a little of that is still in me. There’s too much work to sleep, but I don’t do the work even though I stay up all night. I think I screwed up big this time. I’ve been coasting so far, and that’s been okay so far, but it’s not cutting it this semester and now it might be too late to make up for my losses. I got lazy because for 15 years of school, I’ve gotten by on skates, blindfolded and backwards and still made it through all the hoops, but I’ve dug myself a huge hole now.
You’re going to say I should quit my job to focus on school, but it’s too late for that. I just need a do-over. It’s been knocking around in my head for a week or two, but a conversation I had tonight made me realize that it might be a possibility, and might be the best thing for me right now. I need a do-over on this semester, and I’m not ready to defend my thesis or for my internship in the spring. I’m not even ready to do the lessons I was supposed to have already done. It snuck up on me, I don’t know how. I’m in way too deep this semester to save it. The work is piling up and by the time I even figure out what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s already late and I’ve got more things due too. I want to just withdraw, take a year, and come back next fall. People do that all the time. People do that and they’re fine. Aaron’s friends, my friends, I know plenty of people who’ve withdrawn and come back, and it worked out. I’d name names, but I don’t need to. I’m 21 years old, and I don’t need to justify my decisions to anyone.
Because of how the education program works with the internships, it doesn’t make sense to come back in the spring and they won’t have the classes I need. I need to pick up the track again in the fall, and graduate spring ’09. What difference does it make? I’ll still graduate, same as all the other people. Half of the people in this department are non-trad anyway, so what’s the difference? Everyone will still be here another year or longer, so I won’t be deserted. Tom’s most likely staying at UNCW for his masters, and most everyone else is a year or two younger than me anyway. It’ll give me time to just work, save some money, get everything straight in my head and come back ready. I’ll come back ready and more mature. I’m not just trying to be lazy or get out of school. I’m an academic, and I’m not just going to drop out and get complacent at the theater full time. That’s not what this is about. I want to be able to come back and do things right. I’m tired, not just physically tired; I mean I’m worn out and I’m exhausted from this and it’s only making me sleep less and stress more, around in circles. It’s making me sick, to the point where I’m pale and weak and physically ill. The people who know me well know this isn’t me. It’s draining me, and not because it’s too much work or it’s too hard, but because I’ve been floating through it and not paying attention to where I am.
I’m going to go to all my classes, do what’s due this week, or what was due last week as the case may be. This week I’m going to talk to everybody: my brother, my mom, my professors, and my advisor. This isn’t random, and this isn’t a cop-out because I want to be lazy. I fucked the shit up, and this can fix it. I need a do-over. This is a serious possibility that I might withdraw.
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