The Desk.

"A pair of hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."

Prayer has got to be man's most retarted invention since god itself. You have to admit that, even if you're a Christian. (Just to make it interesting, I'm going to do this without even touching the problem of evil.)

First of all, what's with the hands? What does that do? An omniscient god would hear your prayer even if you had your hands up your ass like you do the rest of the time. Luckily, there is no god, so it doesn't matter.

Now, assuming god is omniscient, wouldn't it already know what you were thinking anyway? What's the necessity in communicating with something that already knows everything and can read your mind?

Enough with mechanics, what does prayer actually do? Exactly dick. Grown ups don't talk to imaginary friends. Every legitimate scientific study has shown that prayer has exactly no statistical importance to anything. Because God doesn't exist.

Okay, so God doesn't answer all prayers. Or, my favorite he answers either "yes, no, or wait." Well, if you prayed to a jug of milk, I could tell you the same thing. Any "answered" prayer is nothing more than coincidence, and the statistical probability is exactly the same as everyone else's, no matter what god they do or do not pray to. Because God doesn't exist.

But let's pretend for a minute that God does exist, and that he's omnipotent and omniscient like you said. (insert standard problem of evil dialogue here). That being said, the problem goes beyond that. You rationalize your unanswered prayers by saying that God has a divine plan. Well, if he's going to do whatever he wants anyway, what the fuck are you praying for?

If you're asking God for shit, you're an asshole. Even if it's not for you, if it's for world peace or to end famine, or somebody's disease or some bullshit, you're still an asshole. Where do you get off in the presumption that God actually gives a shit about any of this? Let the record show, let existence itself show, that he clearly does not. Because God doesn't exist. Or either he's a prick.

And most of this praying happens on Sunday. Even assuming God is your friend, what kind of way is that to treat a friend, asking for favors on his day off? You're an asshole.

So maybe you're not praying for things or blessings, maybe you're just praying to thank God for his merciful bounty. Bullshit, quit showing off. That's between you and God, and if your sincerity is genuine, wouldn't your God alreay know your sincerity? So what the fuck are you praying for?

And finally, if nothing else, it's fucking rude. I'm trying to have a conversation with you in a restaurant, and as soon as our food comes, you have to embarrass me by cutting me off to talk to your imaginary friend, and then act all smug like you're better than me for it. Christians are assholes.

The Ballad of Kidd Montana

It's a brief epic in verse. What does that mean?
It's in iambic tetrameter.
It's an Aristotelian tragedy.
It's a classical epic.
It's a Romantic ballad.

It employs allusions including but not limited to:
The Bible, Paradise Lost, Greek Mythology, Romeo and Juliet, The Oddysee, The Divine Comedy, Dylan Thomas' poetry, Willie Nelson and other country songs, Clint Eastwood movies, and my father's eulogy.

Did I miss anything? Oh yea...
It's a Western.

It's the Ballad of Kidd Montana.
And yes, I'm quite insane.

Happy Veterans' Day, everyone.

As you all know, Veterans' Day is the day when America honors the people who have served our country in armed service by getting the day off work to go sit on their fat lazy asses stuffing their fat ugly faces with all kinds of god-awful pseudofood. And after sitting through three quarters of their shitty movie surrounded by all the other fat ugly lazy fucks, they come out and complain about how shitty the movie was, and about how all the fat fucks are loud and smell like ass and feet. Then, resisting the urge to tell them how they're no different, and how they came to me to buy their greasy shit food, and they're the ones who decided to see such a shitty movie in the first place, I have to tell them we can't give a refund after you've already seen the whole movie. Yes, the popcorn is fresh, and yes, it's supposed to be salty, and quite frankly I don't think your thoughtful choice of diet coke is going to help anything. Except maybe encourage your obviously poor taste in everything from food to entertainment. And learn to speak English you lazy fuck. At least the immigrants have a fucking excuse - they speak Spanish. What the fuck language do you speak? What did you want? An apple cinammon pretzel and a coke icee? Pronounce the fucking consonants and I might consider ringing it up. God forbid I should ask you to spell it out, we'll be here all night. But of course nowadays nobody's responsible for their own behavior. Everybody's got a condition, everybody's got medication to alleviate their condition. That fat ugly fuck isn't a fat ugly fuck, he's got a genetic gland condition. It's not that he can't read or count, the fucker's got "cultural differences." Cultural differences my ass, anybody can learn how to read; you're just a lazy, ignorant fuck. And ugly people. What the fuck? I guess I can't blame the ugly people, they can't help it. But ugly people's parents, what the fuck. You should have known. You should have looked in the mirror and know your progeny was going to look like sin and kept it in you pants.

But what do I know? I'm a terrible person. But I can't be held responsible for that. It's a condition. But I've learned to live with my condition and so should you. If I have to put up with this stupid shit about how the illiterate sons of bitches and the fuckers who want everything on a silver fucking platter aren't responsible for their stupid shit, then I've got a right to make shit fun of them. And the ugly fuckers. And the just plain fatass lazy fucks. And I've got the right to call that my condition, or my cultural fucking difference. Cause that shit is their fault, and I can make as much fun as I want if it's their own fault. Too bad my shit's not contagious. I might be a racist, elitist, tactless son of a bitch, but maybe that's my culture. Maybe where I was raised, people are taught to behave a certain way, and people are taught to treat themselves and others with a little fucking respect. Now it's just a fucking free-for-all. And maybe that's for the best. Cause you know who'll win a free-for-all? The people who can fucking read. And the people who can walk down a ten yard hallway without gasping for breath from lugging their fat ass out of both chairs they were sitting in. And say whatever you want about how terrible a person I am, but the good-looking people. Good-looking people always win out over ugly people. No one likes ugly, fat, lazy, illiterate fucks.

Happy Veterans' Day. And remember, America, ugly people are second class citizens. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.